06/02/08

Semper ubi sub ubi

I’d like to discuss a very disturbing but important thing today. Women’s underwear.

I was downtown with my daughter looking for underwear, and it turned out to be an impossible task. It seems there are no other 12 or 38-year-old women in Finland, or women of any other age either, except for 18.

UNDERWEAR: I want plain, cotton underwear. I like plain cotton underwear, it’s very comfortable. I don’t want lacy things, I don’t want really sexy things. I’ve been married for 13 years, I don’t have to wear uncomfortable underwear all day hoping it’ll work on the man I’m with that evening. I can put it on at home and within a half hour, it works! (this is one of the points of getting married, isn’t it?)

So I go to my favorite underwear store, Lindex, which has always been wonderful in the past. And oh, Lindex Lindex Lindex! What has happened to you?? I find a saleslady.

“Excuse me, I can’t seem to find the kind of underwear I want. There’s all kinds of stuff here, but not the special thing I was looking for.”

“Well, what kind of special underwear do you want?”

“The kind that has a back side that is bigger than the front side!”

Because 80% (and I swear this is not an exaggeration! OK, not much of one anyway) of the underwear there is for people who either have no butts, or are masochists. I can’t find any other reasons for wearing a thong.

Or maybe some women do it for men (and I’m sure there are a number of you men reading this now saying ‘No Mary! Don’t say it!! Thongs are great!!’), but think about this you women: how many men do you know who would do the same for you??

Ha! I thought so.

BRAS: We need to start serious discussions about breast surgery. It seems, from the look of things at Lindex, that 85% of Finnish women desperately need bigger boobs, I mean DESPERATELY. I think Kela needs to start a program immediately to cover most of the costs of this. 

Because 85% of the bras there are STUFFED. The other 15% are those huge ugly white things your grandma wears.  

The nice saleslady tries to be helpful again: ‘What’s wrong with a little padding?’

‘Look at this. It’s a D cup. If you already have D cups, why would you want more??!!’

On the other hand, I have this 6^th-grader with me and once again I am faced with the sad truth: there is no room in modern-day Finland for A-cup women or girls. We’re looking for something basic: no underwires, no padding, and on the other hand no square of pink cotton with a horsey picture on it.

They don’t exist! You either have to be a little kid or have big boobs. That’s it. No in-between, no growing stages, no puberty. It’s like they’re saying: if you’re that small, you obviously need padding.

Why-oh-why can’t we let our young teenagers be what they are: young teenagers? Why on earth do they need padding?

I’ll tell you one thing - if you’re looking for reasons this world is so cold and crazy nowadays, I know one place where you’ll find some answers: in the women’s underwear section of Lindex.

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WORDS: Semper ubi sub ubi: my Latin teacher’s favorite saying. semper = always, sub = under and ubi = where, put it together; Underwear: alusvaatteet or alushousut; Butt: takapuoli; Thong: stringit; Bra: rintaliivit; Breasts or boobs: rinnat; Surgery: leikkaus; Stuffed: täytetty; Padded: topattu